Children and Cemeteries

            Visiting a cemetery as a child can be a very valuable experience.   I remember every year on Memorial Day or thereabouts I would accompany my mother to the cemeteries where our relatives were buried. There we would clean off the headstones, pull weeds near the graves and replace them with vases (old coffee cans) filled with flowers from our garden. While my grandmother was alive she would accompany us as well and we would take lots of flowers from her abundant garden. I particularly remember the fragrant white snow ball blossoms from my grandmother's garden.
             We have carried on this Memorial Day tradition with our own children and have for years accompanied my husband's mother to the old pioneer cemetery to decorate the graves of the relatives.  After searching for and then decorating the various graves scattered here and there we wander around reading the tombstones, reverently commenting on the names and ages of the deceased.
             When we read the tombstone of a baby, a four year-old child, a teenager or any "young" person, whether it was a recent death or from 1888,  I feel a  glimmer of the pain of those the deceased left behind.  All of us come face to face with the harsh reality that none of us are guaranteed a long life here on this earth, which is good for all of us to remember.
              I don't remember my children ever being terribly haunted or scared after visiting the cemetery on Memorial Day and I know I never was scared by it as a child.  I remember my children asking questions about why someone may have died and it did open up opportunities to talk about death, heaven and spiritual things which is always good.
             
              Focus on the Family has resources for teaching children about death . Check this link for a short article about how to talk to a child about death:  http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25600

Children Behave Like Children

          I was under the false impression as an idealistic new mother that if I "did everything right" with my children, they  would be obedient, respectful, responsible, God-fearing and generally morally upright citizens. I was going to do it "right" and not make the same mistakes MY parents made.  I was going to impart my wisdom and God's wisdom into their very beings and naturally they would heed it. (Are you laughing yet?)
          Of course many a wise older mother told me differently advising me to do my best but most importantly I needed to pray for my children. Children are born with a sin nature and with a will of their own. "Yeah, yeah," I thought, "but, if I do everything right, blah, blah, blah...."
          Those older wiser women were right, of course, not that my older children are psychopaths or drug dealers or anything like that.
           The Bible has a lot to say about children and the nature of people in general. One of the verses most profoundly simple in summing up a child's behavior is Proverbs 22:15: "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him." Another simple explanatory verse is 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I understand as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." This verse implies that children behave childishly and do not think, speak or act like adults.  Delightfully, there are always exceptions...but not in my house.

          The best advice I could give to new moms is to say, "As precious as your children are, they do have a  sin nature and are childish in thought and behavior and you can not change this nature;  what you can do is do your best in lovingly training  and disciplining them, and all the while putting them into God's loving hands, praying for them consistently.
           Let's get one important thing straight: NOBODY is perfect, not even moms and you cannot be a perfect mom. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes, apologize to your kids when you blow it and remember children behave like CHILDREN.

Life Before Netflix

       Since I like to watch movies my hubby decided to do something nice for me at Christmas by signing me up for Netflix. We got the one-DVD-at-a-time and unlimited streaming plan. It very much has been a double-edged sword for us. We were like kids in a candy shop when we first got started, looking through all the great stuff to watch, ignoring the not-so-good stuff, and trying to decide what to watch and in what order. It was all so tantalizing: so many choices, so little time. Every night we watched something different, finding it easy to find something everyone would enjoy; we found great "oldies" like "All Creatures Great and Small" and "Columbo" and wonderful British claymation like Sean the Sheep....until those became too ho hum for the younger crowd, teenagers to be exact.
        We had Netflix on every night in some form or another, often finding it difficult to agree on what we were going to watch. And too often we'd end up watching something with little redeeming value.  Soon enough we began to feel like Netflix was controlling us rather us controlling it. It was time to wake up and go back to life before Netflix.
         Before Netflix we had the TV on very little. We've always had very tight controls on our TV; while the kids were very young they were not allowed to turn the TV on. The only time we had it on was  for Sesame Street in the morning, an occasional sports program my husband particularly wanted to see, or when we rented a movie. Now and then we'd watch Masterpiece Theater in the evening after the kids were in bed. We decided we wanted our kids' primary mode of entertainment to be books and playtime; we wanted them to use their imaginations. As the kids got older we'd plan movie night, usually Friday or Saturday night, so as not to interfere with homework. Our kids at home now are ages 19, 16 and 15 and are still not allowed to turn on the TV anytime and I don't think any of them feel deprived...well, maybe one does.
         I know from experience how easy it is to get hooked on the TV.  As a kid growing up with free use of the television, I watched it any time I liked, night or day. My siblings and I easily watched 2-3 hours per day on weekdays and even more on the weekends.When I was a young mom home alone with my baby I got myself hooked on a couple soap operas. This was before Tivo or internet so I had to watch my show at the prescribed time, baby or no. I literally had to go through a type of withdrawal to break its hold on me.  So many people these days have programs that they must watch on certain nights at certain times. And too many conversations I've heard revolve around "who's doing what to whom on what show," like it really matters in real life. I don't want this for myself or my family.
Check out this link on TV and your family:  http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/protecting_your_family/tv_and_todays_family/directing_tvs_role_in_your_home.aspx
          I'm not going to get rid of Netflix but I am going to back off, perhaps only watch something once or twice per week and only if its quality. Life is too short to be filling my mind with junk. Now, Perry Mason, that's quality....every week day at noon. I call it recess for Mom.
  
P.S. I never would have watched Perry Mason with my little kids since its always about murder...but now that I have only teens at home I'm living on the wild side a little.

        
  

The Dinner Table

       My husband and I both grew up in families who ate supper together every night at the dinner table. It was the standard in our homes and I did not think it unusual. We carried this tradition into our married life and have kept it with our own children. Today I can't count the number of times people have told me "how quaint" our tradition is or how unusual we are.  Most people, I hear, do not eat together, and especially not around the table. Lots of people have told me they eat on their own in front of the TV. Others say  they have such different schedules that everyone in the family is pretty much on their own for most if not all meals.
         Our own dinner tradition kept up through babyhood, school and sports schedules, varied work schedules, etc. provided for our family a time of communion. It has been a time to talk over the day's events, enjoy each other's company and also a time to learn the give and take of making conversation; it's been a time to learn table manners and just manners in general; we've also learned not to bring up any kind of disciplinary issue or purposefully start arguments. When arguments have started, we've learned how to diffuse them or how to agree to disagree amiably, hopefully.  The children have also learned the valuable lesson of appreciating what other hands have cooked and have learned to appreciate good food. These are good lessons for everyone, child and adult alike.
          Eating together in the evening is a priority in our home. Without that time together we would quickly lose touch with each other...and I don't want that to happen.
          For more information on the importance of family meal times check out the following website:

 http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25972

Getting by with Valium

         My father jokingly made a comment once about how if Mom had known how much work kids were she would only have had one or two. She quickly and firmly retorted, "There's more truth than fiction in that statement!" I was the third child of six so the comment ripped through my soul...even though it was said well into my adulthood. Later I found out that while us kids were growing up my mother took Valium in order to cope with the trials of motherhood which back in the 60s and early 70s was fairly common.

          I think about my own trials of motherhood, especially early motherhood with babies and toddlers at the same time. Then I threw homeschooling, high ideals and image into the mix and I was a basket case. I didn't have, nor did I want Valium to "rescue" me but I did have other ways of coping and adjusting including a wonderful, loving husband and helpful encouraging friends.

          So I need to get over my Mom's thoughtless comment and cut her some slack. She's only human after all and now I love her as a fellow mom who's endured raising six children, no longer as a child thinking their mom is perfect.

More about Valium: http://sadieushistory.blogspot.com/2010/05/mothers-little-helper-valium.html

I Have Been Working!

Now that my youngest has turned 15 and there is a light at the end of the homeschooling tunnel, my husband has asked me to get a "paying" job so we can pay off the mortgage and sail off into the retirement sunset. Wow, what mixed feelings have come crashing down on my poor head! After processing and reprocessing this new turn of events I got reassurance from my husband that he never, not once, ever regretted that I didn't have a "paying" job and that he has always been totally in favor of me staying home and raising all six of our children (plus a couple more tossed in for good measure).

All these  past 27 years of mothering and teaching have been a darn hard "paying" job...just not with money. The rewards and benefits have been truly priceless and are worth immensely more than mere money.

A Clean House is a Sign of a Life Misspent

So says a magnet on my frig which I need to reread once in a while. Especially during the myriad times I get down on myself and family because our house isn't "just so." There is always something amiss whether its the deteriorating grout of our kitchen counter tiles, the leaky faucets, the water damaged window frames, the cluttered dining table, the clothing left hither and yon, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My aging aunt shared with me a few years back that she wished she had spent less time keeping her house clean and more time playing with her kids. Her "kids" were all grown up and she didn't have good relationships with any of them. My aunt then began to reminisce about the times she used to stop by to see Mom only to find the house a complete mess and my mom sitting playing games with us kids. She remembers there was always lots of laughter and enthusiasm amidst the piles of laundry, clutter, and dirty dishes. Needless to say all six of us "kids" have good relationships with Mom. Of course there are many other factors involved but, I think my aunt had it right: Relationships with one's children are far more important than the state of one's house.

"Clean Enough to be Healthy, Dirty Enough to be Happy"  That's my motto, and I plan to keep it that way.